JOURNAL 2002

Sunday, July 21, 2002

just beginning to appreciate the structure of H2O. evolution, who cares? but when you drink from a tall glass, ice meets your lips and it's beautiful. been happy for two weeks *v sign + toothy grin*

then again, too busy to be depressed. got new digital camera. once finals are over, there will be tonnes new pictures here. it was a gift from mum and dad for passing course two with a mark of ten. they still think i'm in grade school.

i know i cannot go through life being perfect. even perfectionism, the concept of striving for perfection, is dangerous. i am trying to fight it but i can't seem to overcome this feeling that this is the only way.

when vanity becomes necessity. when the pretty girl loses it, she seems so much more unpretty than the other girls, who were never pretty in the first place.

Sunday, July 7, 2002

know what? i'm over it! sometimes i almost want people to be mean. it forces me to ask myself, just what am i doing? i don't need this.

Sunday, June 23, 2002

why am i so dependent upon other people? why don't they ever say half of what i want to hear? why do i always set myself up to be disappointed? sometimes i feel this sense of emptiness/hunger that hurts so badly that i know it's not really emptiness/hunger except maybe in an emotional sense. does everyone feel as marginal as i do? does anyone? are they all used to it? how do you get used to it?

when you realize you can't count on one person, you realize you can't count on anyone. in the process of breaking one bond, you realize you've got to break every bond. and then there's just you. crowded out by your own thoughts. you think things would become clearer. but the only thing that's clear is that there is nothing at all.

i want to be able to sit in front of this computer and mindlessly document my cs246 assignment. but instead i want _you_, i want _you_ to tell me what is the fucking point of all this. didn't we resolve everything years ago? why do i feel as if i was cheated out of a real answer? why does everything feel strangely the same? why does everyone else in my life pale in comparison?

Friday, June 7, 2002

slept ten hours last night. wow that felt good. it was still in two chunks and i was up for an hour inbetween but still pretty nice. this last week flew by. had a great time in toronto and pretty much studied on monday, tuesday and wednesday. somehow wasn't in productive mode though. wrote cs246 midterm on thursday and then vegged.

now back to depressing stuff. i'm not sure but i think i really enjoy thinking about depressing stuff. it practically makes life worthwhile. people say that 90 percent of the self is given at birth, gender, race, family background and to a certain extend, abilities. it seems true as these things define what we need/want as we grow. so those subconscious decisions weren't really decisions at all.

i don't like the word destiny because it seems to infer there is another person waiting for you on the other edge of the world. i love/appreciate everyone who is or has been with me but in the end it's just me, myself and i. if it's not in you, it does not exist. you can't add jaded person 1 to jaded person 2 and get a happy couple.

but destiny it is ... why else is it so hard to not want/not need what you want/need? All those people/things who hurt/comfort you, who make you betray/find yourself, who fade only to remind you how you can never forget them.

Friday, May 31, 2002

it's been a while. course 2 is over. think i passed. wanna do course 3 in november to stay on top of things as well as to get study days. 4 day work weeks for two months would be so cool. i'm probably workaholic. when i'm not cramming four nights a week, i can't help but stay up all night and think crazy things. it's awful.

i'm skipping classes today. only skipped four classes so far this term so i'm doing good. if someone told me second year uni classes were dumb a few years ago, i wouldn't have believed them. but they are. i so miss advanced math classes. such a freak, eh >.<

once in a while, i attempt the typical drink and don't think uni lifestyle but inevitably, i think and get so depressed. it doesn't even matter that you try hard or that you were pretty good to begin with, it's NEVER ENOUGH. there are times when i am almost high on satisfaction but those times last only a couple hours and don't come around very often.

feel so trapped in this shell of imperfection. how i define perfection: no needs; no wants. if you were dead, you would be perfect in a degenerate sense - nothing therefore everything. actually, i'm going back to toronto and going out tonight so i'll probably be happy but i've just missed too many nights of sleep at this point. ha.

Saturday, May 4, 2002

I went out with Tanya tonight and my dad just informed me that Amy called while I was away and of course the first week of uni was mostly about finding out what various people have been up too. I always enjoy hearing about people who are no longer in my life. Invariably, "they seem happy" compared to when I knew them. What can I say? I play with people's minds and make them unhappy >.< Sometimes I feel a bit jealous but mostly I am able to arrive at the conclusion that since they are happy, I am happy for them.

Friendship, love, whatever, I think jealousy is a manifestation of care. Not jealous (almost) equals not care. I want to care. But you can't want to want something. I noticed this great poem on the subway yesterday, whipped out my note book and scribbled it down. People stared at me. That gave me almost as much satisfaction as the poem itself. It reminded me of something I wrote a year ago except I can't remember the actual words. Funny how poetry only comes when you are in a state of crisis. I miss that kind of tension.

I really am satisfied with things right now. There are no holes in my life except imaginary ones burnt by memories of certain people. I really don't know what I'm complaining about because I am getting more than enough attention from my friends. It's inevitable to miss what you missed but it's more important to appreciate what you have. Always let people know how much you appreciate them. Always.

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

writing about variable universal life policyholder taxation in the united states is driving me nuts. so i'm gonna write bad poetry instead:

A there are those who turn me on
then
there are those who turn me inside out
and make me realize
being turned on
isn't enough

B most of what i've achieved
i achieved because of my curiosity
most of what i've lost
i lost because of my curiosity
driven by
what now
what's next
what's gonna happen when it's all over
i forget there isn't always a next page

C Why do they all stare straight at the sun
While I blink going blind

D Iím not jaded
Because to be jaded
Is to have once believed
And itís not I donít believe
I believe

But I also believe protons will decay
If you wait 10^32 years

Monday, April 22, 2002

i woke up smiling and this is why: if you move at the speed of light, the universe will contract, so if two people start running, regardless of direction, they will be closer.

Sunday, April 21, 2002

that last entry was so damn depressing. here i go with a new happy happy entry. i just got a call from tanya. we're going blading on tuesday. kate and i had a good friday and saturday. the movie was good. triumph of love was shown last year at toronto film festival. it felt like a stage play. not many characters. well acted. very well acted. and for once, i was not semi disgusted by the guy who played the prince. in a way, the prince of the story was the princess.

Sunday, April 21, 2002

on my last day at work, i got a couple mamma mia tickets as a bonus. friday night, i gave them to my parents. this morning they said, "you don't have time to go so we'll go but if you change your mind, you can have the tickets back."

when did i say i don't have time to go? what is wrong with them? what is wrong with everyone? why is it that every time i do something nice (which believe it or not happens almost everyday), others think the only reason i do it is out of my own convenience.

possibly, people are unappreciative. possibly, i am so nice that they cannot comprehend it. either way, i'm sick, i'm tired and it hurts! 10 days before school starts. i don't want to hang out with anyone. i don't want to study either. i just want to sit here and think.

there are a couple numbers i am tempted to dial but emotional support is a drug. you get so addicted before you even grasp that possibility of addiction. the best cure is probably walking 1000 miles in the cold. you get so numb. i remember the days when i used to walk to high park and back. scary.

i had 1 bao zi and 5 pieces of california roll for breakfast. i feel like i've just drank vinegar. the change of season, stress, annoyance at human race as a whole or something is causing acid fluctuations in my digestive system again.

Sunday, March 24, 2002

i have just had one of those fun busy days where everything just spins. yet now that i sit in front of the monitor, my satisfaction level, motivation level feel as if very low tide. i am half convinced that everyone is out to distract me, pulling me off the path that i want to walk. but of course, i really am just fighting myself, my own temptations, my own doubts, for this little thing called control.

a few days ago, i flipped through an old issue of chatelaine at the gym. this one article attempted to decipher relationship/personality types by how people eat. this is what it says about the slow eater: "don't worry, by the time you finish dessert, the guy you're interested in now would have gotta another girl, broken up and be available again." hey, i am willing to wait except i think this is applicable to more than just relationships, more like every aspect of my life.